Maybe someone noticed. But I've been gone for a little while. Out of the blue. Just off of the internets. Well, Instagram was still nice to check before I went off to bed. Something happened. Something that felt pretty much the same as High School. High School was my hell. My classmates were like monsters I had to fight every-single-day. I am life gratefull for the second chance that was college. For finally being able to be me and actually be accepted by my classmates. Not that I didn't make any friends in high school, but still, you get the idea. It is strange how fast us kids grow up after high school too. The people I met in college have truly changed my vision on myself. Both inside and out. I no longer feel the need to hide (heck I post pictures of myself on the internet) or blend in and I make up my own mind about things now. No need to feel pity for me, all that mess is behind me and I am happy with the way life is tumbling along. I am happy with who I am now.
But two weeks ago some unfortunate event made my bubble burst. I can't remember the last time I got so mad, so angry, so aggressive even over something someone did to me. Wait, I can. Never mind. I just need to ventilate what happened. So I don't mind if you stop reading here, haha. It's going to be a long, strange post.
So imagine two girls in college. She was the new kid on the block. And even though we're all pretty much grown-ups here, it's still not easy being the new fish in the tank. I get that. She sought comfort, and we sort of knew each other in some way, so she came to me. Within days though, she learned how to swim and found her own group of friends. Good! ... But she never looked back at me again. Only when she needed something, she'd call or find me in the hallways. Everyone who knows a bit about psychology knows that ain't going to work. So our roads split apart. Still not really a big deal as our friendship had always been rather superficial. We did share a love for photography and blogging, but we still didn't really "click". When we crossed in the halls we'd sometimes say something, but most times we walked by like strangers. That hurt me, as her cold attitude towards me reminded me of what had happened in high school. Gosh, that sounds heavy. I may have shaken off those self-destructive thoughts and feelings, I still carry the scars. Heavy wording heeeeere.
I easily generalize things. When one anonymous commentator leaves me... nonconstructive feedback, it'll ruin my day, but it will also make me doubt the sincerity of all other comments I get. And I don't want to doubt you guys! In the deepest of my heart I do know that not everyone is "just being nice" and that people truly mean their interest. It's a really bad habit of mine to generalize the negative. One that I would very much like to lose, but it's a lot more difficult to get to that point than I thought it would.
So what happened between the newbie and me? Something that's actually pretty dang ridiculous. Our yes-no-yes-no-yes-no friendship has been going on for a few years now and guess I reached my limit. She was starting to hang out whit her crowd, and then told me I didn't belong in their group because I was too mainstream. I ticked. Has clothing become the benchmark for classification again? When did that happen? When we met in early February, she made me realise that the only reason I was there with her was because all her real friends were occupied and she didn't want to spend the day alone. You'd think I'd be warned. That I'd give up on her and focus on people that do accept me. But no, my need to belong grew stronger and I got smacked in my freckled face.
The final straw came a few days later. We had another mutual friend that we sort of knew. We hadn't all seen each other in forever, so I texted them to ask if they wanted to go on a coffee date. Sure thing. Everyone was excited. Good idea Nikki... only, we're going without you and than put it on every single dang social media for you to see. Oh Joy! Maybe we'll even tag you and say we're sorry you couldn't make it. Really... really!?
I lost it. I shut down. I cried. I closed Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and whatnot. Then my mind started rolling. Like it always does. Like a sickening roller coaster of self-destruction. "I'm not good enough for them. They don't need me. Does anyone need me? Why need me? I am replaceable?" and on and on and on and on. It got to a point where I started doubting my work as a Social Worker and even my 4 year long relationship. The self destructive train of thoughts was unstoppable. And I felt like that miserable young fourteen year old again who thought she'd never be good enough. Who thought she'd never be able to express herself without others constantly criticizing her every move.
I don't want to feel like I'm in that shark tank that was high school again, trying to dress up the prettiest to impress the people who think they are the it-girls. This is largely a thing of my own, another inner monster I have to fight. I realize that.
Why do I even let my happiness depend on others so much? WHYYYYY?
These feelings kept me down for two weeks now and I finally felt like writing down my thoughts today. This all lead me to another thing I've been struggling with a bit in the past few weeks. My blog was meant to be a place where I could be myself. And I sort of feel like I lost myself in my blogging. I started leaning more towards what other people were doing and copying what I saw. I need to stop doing that. I know I've said that before, I'm just reminding myself again: I named my blog The Ginger Diaries for a reason.
So, I feel like I have yet to make a point here. But I don't really think there is one. Just needed to ventilate.
It's late. I should probably go watch some TV now.