On life
Maybe someone noticed. But I've been gone for a little while. Out of the blue. Just off of the internets. Well, Instagram was still nice to check before I went off to bed. Something happened. Something that felt pretty much the same as High School. High School was my hell. My classmates were like monsters I had to fight every-single-day. I am life gratefull for the second chance that was college. For finally being able to be me and actually be accepted by my classmates. Not that I didn't make any friends in high school, but still, you get the idea. It is strange how fast us kids grow up after high school too. The people I met in college have truly changed my vision on myself. Both inside and out. I no longer feel the need to hide (heck I post pictures of myself on the internet) or blend in and I make up my own mind about things now. No need to feel pity for me, all that mess is behind me and I am happy with the way life is tumbling along. I am happy with who I am now.
But two weeks ago some unfortunate event made my bubble burst. I can't remember the last time I got so mad, so angry, so aggressive even over something someone did to me. Wait, I can. Never mind. I just need to ventilate what happened. So I don't mind if you stop reading here, haha. It's going to be a long, strange post.
So imagine two girls in college. She was the new kid on the block. And even though we're all pretty much grown-ups here, it's still not easy being the new fish in the tank. I get that. She sought comfort, and we sort of knew each other in some way, so she came to me. Within days though, she learned how to swim and found her own group of friends. Good! ... But she never looked back at me again. Only when she needed something, she'd call or find me in the hallways. Everyone who knows a bit about psychology knows that ain't going to work. So our roads split apart. Still not really a big deal as our friendship had always been rather superficial. We did share a love for photography and blogging, but we still didn't really "click". When we crossed in the halls we'd sometimes say something, but most times we walked by like strangers. That hurt me, as her cold attitude towards me reminded me of what had happened in high school. Gosh, that sounds heavy. I may have shaken off those self-destructive thoughts and feelings, I still carry the scars. Heavy wording heeeeere.
I easily generalize things. When one anonymous commentator leaves me... nonconstructive feedback, it'll ruin my day, but it will also make me doubt the sincerity of all other comments I get. And I don't want to doubt you guys! In the deepest of my heart I do know that not everyone is "just being nice" and that people truly mean their interest. It's a really bad habit of mine to generalize the negative. One that I would very much like to lose, but it's a lot more difficult to get to that point than I thought it would.
So what happened between the newbie and me? Something that's actually pretty dang ridiculous. Our yes-no-yes-no-yes-no friendship has been going on for a few years now and guess I reached my limit. She was starting to hang out whit her crowd, and then told me I didn't belong in their group because I was too mainstream. I ticked. Has clothing become the benchmark for classification again? When did that happen? When we met in early February, she made me realise that the only reason I was there with her was because all her real friends were occupied and she didn't want to spend the day alone. You'd think I'd be warned. That I'd give up on her and focus on people that do accept me. But no, my need to belong grew stronger and I got smacked in my freckled face.
The final straw came a few days later. We had another mutual friend that we sort of knew. We hadn't all seen each other in forever, so I texted them to ask if they wanted to go on a coffee date. Sure thing. Everyone was excited. Good idea Nikki... only, we're going without you and than put it on every single dang social media for you to see. Oh Joy! Maybe we'll even tag you and say we're sorry you couldn't make it. Really... really!?
I lost it. I shut down. I cried. I closed Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and whatnot. Then my mind started rolling. Like it always does. Like a sickening roller coaster of self-destruction. "I'm not good enough for them. They don't need me. Does anyone need me? Why need me? I am replaceable?" and on and on and on and on. It got to a point where I started doubting my work as a Social Worker and even my 4 year long relationship. The self destructive train of thoughts was unstoppable. And I felt like that miserable young fourteen year old again who thought she'd never be good enough. Who thought she'd never be able to express herself without others constantly criticizing her every move.
I don't want to feel like I'm in that shark tank that was high school again, trying to dress up the prettiest to impress the people who think they are the it-girls. This is largely a thing of my own, another inner monster I have to fight. I realize that.
Why do I even let my happiness depend on others so much? WHYYYYY?
These feelings kept me down for two weeks now and I finally felt like writing down my thoughts today. This all lead me to another thing I've been struggling with a bit in the past few weeks. My blog was meant to be a place where I could be myself. And I sort of feel like I lost myself in my blogging. I started leaning more towards what other people were doing and copying what I saw. I need to stop doing that. I know I've said that before, I'm just reminding myself again: I named my blog The Ginger Diaries for a reason.
So, I feel like I have yet to make a point here. But I don't really think there is one. Just needed to ventilate.
It's late. I should probably go watch some TV now.
More cheerful post coming up on Wednesday!
Hey Nikki.
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your blog for ages. My favourite posts are the ones where you are honest and real and that's why I follow your blog - I love this post. I hate that people can be destructive and I am sorry that you have been hurt, of course, but I wanted to actually comment a while ago on your surveys posts (you finding out what your reader's want to see more of on your blog) and tell you that the thing that attracts me to a blog, personally, is the feeling of getting to know someone through their blog (it's like being in someone's space you know) and reading about their lives, things that are important to them, whatever they love.
I love looking at your photography and seeing your city through your pics, and reading about your day, and whatever is on your mind. To me, that's the best thing about this blogging thing. Thanks for being honest and real on here, we need more of that sort of thing.
Bas
I'm so sorry you have felt this way recently, and I'm sorry that those girls are so rude. Rise above and remove them from your life! You don't need that negativity.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can shake those feelings and move on! xx
Don't ever ever ever let small minded, self absorbed jerks making you feel like you're less than or somehow inferior. You're YOU and if some idiot doesn't appreciate who you're building yourself to be, that's certainly not your problem. Don'y question your beauty, your intelligence, your appeal. Just cut jerks out of your life, have a good laugh about being well adjusted while they're clearly not, and move right along. Cling to the real and good things in your life and forget the rest. You're too lovely and sweet ro get stuck in that kind of crap!
ReplyDeleteIt's funny how much what happens in high school, or in grade school, can affect us years later.
ReplyDeleteRegardless of what one silly person thinks, I like you, and I hope you're feeling better soon!
Oh, Nikki, I am so sorry. I do hope you're doing better now. I think all of us have self doubt sometimes and blogging isn't very different. It's one reason I don't often attempt to meet other bloggers in person. (What if they don't like me? What if I'm not cool enough.) But, please don't doubt that we read your blog because we want to read YOUR blog. Not any blog, yours.
ReplyDeletexoxo,
Gracey
Girls can be cruel, pure and simple. When girls were mean to me growing up, or life was just unfair, my mom would hug me and tell me it just meant they were dealing with insecurities. And girls are threatened by other girls who don't suffer from their same insecurities. It took me a long time to realize that was so true. People like that are not worth another thought from you. You can treat them with respect, yes. But you can't let them get to you. Because that is most likely what they want. Chin up! Know that there are plenty of other people who like you for who you are! :)
ReplyDeleteNikki-
ReplyDeleteSome people's actions honestly baffle the hell out of me. What these girls were doing seems needlessly hurtful for no purpose. That isn't worth your time. I've enjoyed getting to "know" you with your blog because you are a sweet, thoughtful and very honest person. Not just commenting to be nice, but because your posts are interesting. I'm glad you put this out there.
-Kristian
Hi Nikki,
ReplyDeleteI have gone offline for about a month (for different reasons than yours) but yours was the first one i read since I came back online like in the last 10 minutes. I'm sorry to hear that you had such a rough time, but can I just say that in retrospect, you will look upon this entry say 2 years down the road and laugh.
Sometimes, we need experiences like these to make us realize how important self-love is, and how much more we need to accept ourselves for who we are. I have learnt to turn my negative experiences into positive, if not, constructive lessons in life. Not easy, but it can be done, it's a matter of perspective.
If there's anything this 'friend' should have taught you, is 1) what friendship is not 2) who your true friends are and most importantly 3) what kind of person you are.
You don't need superficial people to validate your existence, heck you don't even need your good friends to validate your existence. it's hard, but you will come to realise that if you learn to accept yourself, you will have the confidence to be who you are, and the negativity towards you will not hurt as much.
My yoga lesson for March 4th gave me 3 words : Love, Courage, Enthusiasm.
Love yourself, have the courage to be yourself, and live each day with passion!
xoxo
Chui
I'm so sorry for you... I know the feeling, high school was pretty much the same for me I guess. Please know that this girl is an exception, luckily! People grow up and learn not to be so judgmental. I'm glad you wrote about this, maybe it'll give you some air.
ReplyDeleteWat een bende stomme wijven. HOE OUD ZIJN DIE? Serieus, als die zoiets doen wil je daar toch niet mee overeenkomen? Keep in mind dat jij slimmer bent dan hun en toch verder zal geraken in u leven! No self destruction!
ReplyDeletexo Charlotte
Aww Nikki! I only know you through the screen, but for what it's worth I think you are an amazing, funny, kind and honourable person.
ReplyDeleteWe all feel like this from time to time - it's horrible and it sucks. But you can come out of it stronger. You can chose who you spend time with and who you decide to invest your energy into being friends with. And you will know that people that can make you feel this bad are not worth your energy.
You don't need to doubt yourself - but you know we all doubt ourselves too. We just don't all have the courage to come out and say so sometimes. You keep being you and surrounding yourself with true friends so that when you do doubt, they can remind you right away why you are awesome and don't need to doubt or worry yourself. It helps :)
I'm sorry to hear that you went through a bad time. But honestly, that girl sounds like a b**** to me! What they did was incredibly rude in any case. I know it's really hard but you should just forget about her and not let her (or them) get to you.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you were better off not having coffee with them.
And as for 'too mainstream'. She and her group clearly have some sort of issues. So ridiculous!
I took a long time off blogging last year because I suddenly felt really uncomfortable putting myself out there like that. The strange thing is that I've never had any problems with people online. It's such a sweet community. Offline is where the mean people are...
Friends ditching me is something that has happened a couple of times already to me, so I see what you're going through. I am still in high school and hoping that everything WILL change when I get to university (just like it was going to change in high school). But we'll see. Just don't forget that there is always someone out there that has your back - my brother has mine, and be sure that us readers have yours :)
ReplyDeleteYou have a great relationship, a bright future and all the time in the world, to make it what you want. There will ALWAYS be people who are like that, but there are also millions of people in the world, and you can bet that there are plenty who won't be like that. The question is why do you let it bother you? Why not just forget them, and turn your focus on the fact that you can make other friends, and the great guy you have. It's like they say, "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger".
ReplyDeleteI was in a place last year where I was very frustrated because I realized that, for so many people in my life, I was replaceable. Similar to what you mentioned, I was there for people when they asked, but it turned out that those were the only times I even came to mind. I decided that if my place in someone's life wasn't important enough for THEM to put in the effort, I was going to stop. I backed off in all of my relationships and decided to see how long it took people to want to talk to ME.
ReplyDeleteFor something ridiculous like ten days... my phone was silent. I, luckily, had braced myself for this, and eventually, people started contacting me (not a flood, just one text here and there) and asking if I was okay because... I had taught everyone around me to let me do all the work. They didn't even consider the idea that they might need to contribute to maintaining an interpersonal relationship with me. I was too available, too helpful, too willing to be there. I have fewer "friends" at this point, but I can fall ill and wake up the next day to people wanting to make sure I'm okay. To me, that's way more gratifying.
Nikki, I am so sorry. It sucks reverting back to the high school feelings. I know exactly what you mean. I really hope you're doing better now! I have so very much appreciated your constant support on my blog. You're so real, and sharing what you're feeling in this post is totally fitting for your blog name. Sounds like you've got lots of supportive bloggers(count me on that list!), even if college friends sometimes let you down. Hope tomorrow brings brighter days and happier spirits! Hope things are alright with Kenneth too!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry dear - I too over analyze EVERYthing, and it makes me a very sensitive soul, so I can relate. The most important lesson I have learned in my mid-twenties, is to love yourself first. Love yourself at your best, love yourself at you worst, and never stop loving yourself. You have to live with you for the rest of your life, so start to be at peace now! Good luck, stay strong, do something that makes YOU happy everyday!
ReplyDeletexx
Here&Now
Zoals ik op facebook je al half probeerde wijs te maken, trek het je niet aan van die meiden. Persoonlijk weet ik ook dat dat niet simpel is, aangezien ik me zelf ook alles veel te hard aantrek. Je moet je op zulke momenten afvragen of het wel de moeite waard is om je slecht te voelen door mensen die het niet eens waard zijn om er kwaad op te zijn, puur omdat je daarmee kostbare energie verspilt die je voor betere dingen kan gebruiken. Don't let others bring you down, enjoy all the great people that are there for you.
ReplyDeleteWat het bloggen betreft, dit is iets dat je in eerste plaats moet doen omdat je het leuk vindt en niet om anderen te plezieren. Dat is maar bijzaak, een neveneffect om het zo te zeggen. Als jij het interessant vindt om over iets te schrijven terwijl een ander dat iets bullshit vindt, whatever dan, dat ze voor een keer dan het eens niet lezen. Als je te hard andere wilt plezieren gaat je blog na een tijd als een verplichting voelen & dat mag niet. Het is en blijft uiteindelijk een hobby waar je je juist mee moet amuseren. Net zoals je zei, je hebt niet voor niets diaries bij in de naam staan.
Je blog is geweldig, net zoals jij geweldig bent.
Kop op, Nikki. Je kan het :)
x Vero
Wat ik heb geleerd uit vorige ervaringen: als mensen je zo behandelen, laat ze gewoon vallen. Niet denken "waarom hebben ze mij niet graag" maar eerder denken "ik ben véél beter af zonder ze". En zoals Charlotte zegt, als je op deze leeftijd nog op een kinderachtige manier handelt, dan zijn ze je zeker niet waard :-). Genoeg leuke mensen in je omgeving! Wees zeker van jezelf en pieker niet teveel over dingen en mensen die je niet respecteren ;-). En doe zo voort met je blog ;-)!
ReplyDeleteSabrina, x.
Dit gaat een lange reactie zijn, ik waarschuw je al maar ;)
ReplyDeleteIk kom voor de eerste keer op je blog en ik vind hem écht leuk. Dus zeker niet mee stoppen als je het graag doet :)
De situatie hierboven komt me zo bekend voor, ik werd ook gepest in het middelbaar, daarom durfde ik in mijn eerste jaar unief tegen niemand spreken en bleef ik met het gevoel zitten dat "toch niemand mij de moeite vond om vrienden mee te zijn". Ik durfde geen blog te starten, uit schrik voor anonieme haat-reacties of nog meer roddels. Maar tijdens de vakantie kon ik me herpakken, en ging ik hierna naar een nieuwe school, waar ik nu vrij gelukkig ben, en mijn blog durfde opstarten.
Wat mij vooral tot inzicht heeft gebracht is het volgende: als mensen de behoefte voelen je te pesten, zegt dit meer over die persoon zelf dan over jou. Als iemand een andere persoon kapot wil maken, omdat een bepaald aspect aan zijn persoonlijkheid/uiterlijk hem niet aanstaat, dan heeft die andere persoon duidelijk zelf een hoop problemen waar hij niet over raakt.
Het pesten uit je verleden moet je gewoon zien als motivatie, om het beter te doen dan hen. Terwijl zij verder doen in hun zielige leventje ben jij bezig met een toekomst op te bouwen :)
Hopelijk heeft het je een beetje kunnen helpen!
x Inez
okay girl, now you've gone and done it! if i could fly over there for a good old fashioned commiseration cry i would!! do i ever understand, more than you know. you are not alone and you are a well of goodness whereas this girl seems like a toxic contamination. not to get all agro on her ass but wtf anyways?! i just don't get people like that at all, perhaps her insides are shriveled long before her outsides show it, sad thing indeed. i'm so sorry this happened after you'd tried and tried again to be friends. make amends and show a brave face to only be given the shaft. it sucks big time!
ReplyDeletehigh school was long ago but i remember well a girl who befriended me - for a whole year. she came on trips to Palm Springs with me and my folks, had sleep overs, etc. then one day...poof, she was gone. a few weeks later, when i was in mass hysteria for my bestie she told me in a super mean way that she just wanted trips, money and some fun times. what a wake up call. i was shocked - never in my wildest would i ever treat or behave that way. i know for a fact you wouldn't either so these types of instances perplex us to no end. just doesn't add up how some people can do these awful things. to be used, tricked and totally played is so unreal right?
please, please, please don't ever doubt yourself over this though. these are the life lessons you're learning and you're still young so you are formulating your deal breakers and terms of engagement right now. you are a soft, special heart that will serve the social work scene in amazing ways you've never even thought of yet. the best is yet to come!!!! i know this for a fact, where pain cuts us the deepest, we learn, grow calluses and wise up. i only see bright spots for you because you are so good Nikki, to write something this touching is a grand gesture of just how open your heart and soul is. be proud of that, you deserve so much better and it will and is happening for you. blessings!!!!! xo ♥
Nikki, it took me awhile to reply to this post because first of all I'm so slow to do anything this year. Second of all I knew immediately what you were going through and I was so shocked that high school was still following us all that I didn't know how to respond. High school is a nasty place and I know I've been the mean girl more than once. Once I left high school I thought things would change, I know I changed. I became a better person and didn't worry about what other people thought. But some people don't change and I learned the hard way that you have to let those people go. I'm so glad you shared this and I hope you are feeling much better (and that you had a wonderful time on Kenneth's birthday!). I also hope you have a wonderful week and that you experience all the love your true friends have for you.
ReplyDeleteand ps: you never have to doubt your blog readers! We love you too!